Saturday

My boy turned 10. I love him and am amazed as I watch him grow and see him developing.  He loves his iPod (of course) and is mad about football.  He has a tight group of friends.  I see a boy with a soft heart, who is sentimental about the things that he knows others in his family enjoy, and I am grateful for his maturity. 

 

Still, there are moments I wish time would slow down, just a little.

 

I continue with the work/study/parenting juggle, but am more mindful to take some moments to simply be...  I had a rocky year last year, and so now I am aware of the things I need to feed my soul, and my spirit to keep my head clear and my goals worthwhile.  Even enjoying a hot cup of tea is a good one.  :D

Isn't is funny how you can make study look more inviting than it really is ;)

Two podcasts that give me the sense of equilibrium that I need are On Being and The One You Feed.

A recent post on the On Being website resonates with how I have been feeling for a while.  The way "living" drains the life out of us.  Always things wanted, or even "needed".  And yet these things eat our time away.  Time really is a luxury these days and I feel the demands of so much pushing back on my attempts to simplify.  A quote in my work diary last year, which I have cut and stuck in my new diary, says:  "How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."  This quote keeps me accountable for keeping what is important in life the main thing.

I am enjoying Instagram.  I am looking back to things that a few  years brought me a lot of happiness - even when I did more looking and thinking than actually the doing - such as with scrapbooking or sewing.  Reading Ali Edwards blog lets me enjoying memory keeping through someone elses work ;) 

I have been sewing a little.  Library bags, snack sacks and drawstring bags to carry little things seem to be my go-to craft when I don't have much time for sewing.  I look forward to making more of an effort to sew from patterns I bought when Audrey was little, but from which (hopefully) Maggie will benefit.  :)  The library bag above was made last week when the weather was too miserable to make a planned trip to the library with Maggie.

As the kids are growing older and their interests are expanding, time seems more scarce.  I almost miss the days when afternoons at home with a pile of paper and crayons were exciting, although I love the ages Nicholas and Audrey are now, with all that they are teaching me about parenting...  In any case I get to do it all again with Maggie.  She is growing SO much, and likes to "draw".  I bought her some grip crayons and sit her in her highchair.  Books and walls have already seen her leave her mark. 

Last night it was beautiful to see her playing with Audrey.  It was the first time she played a game - in terms of a game that had a plot, following Audrey around, making a cubby house together and having tea.  You could see that she enjoyed it and was totally immersed in the game.

During the day, as I was working from home, I felt I was neglecting her a little so asked if she wanted to play a game.  "Yeth" she answered (with her lisp) and we sat simply rolling a ball to each other.  She laughed the whole time, and loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

It wasn't so long ago this was my little girl...

 

 

And to my reading.  Still a small pile of books "to be read" but while I desperately need to get through uni readings, I do not dare pick up a book.  I do like the idea of having a book with me and even if I only read one page on my way home from work it will be a little time out from the reading that I have to do.  To that end, and also in order to have less clutter crowding me, I have finally decided to take the plunge and purchase a Kindle.  It all makes sense to me for a number of reasons (financial included).  Then I see someone sitting on the bus with an actual book and already feel sentimental to hold the pages and use a bookmark.  

When I spoke about getting a Kindle the other night Nicholas said "but keep all our books".  I said that I would still buy special books.  Later the next day I asked him what made him think that, and he said he likes having books in the house and likes that people will know we read. 

One thing on contemplating a Kindle though, I looked through yet another article the other day about kids and electronics.  I am pretty much happy with the limit on our kids - No iPods etc Monday - Friday (exceptions at times) but then after school on Friday and through the weekend they can play their games.  Even then we try and limit the time and ensure they take a break to do other things.  It works for us. I would actually like to do something like have a basket where all the phones and electronics live, and that even I don't touch my phone etc until the kids are in bed.  I feel like a hypocrite telling them they need limits, and then they see me using my iPhone (not knowing that I am looking at a recipe etc.  While at school they use computers for maths, we have Reading Eggs for Audrey (which is wonderful) and now the school have google apps and Britannica online.  It is so much a part of our world, and I am still hesitant to be seen swiping yet another screen...

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." - Groucho Marx - See more at: http://eliseblaha.typepad.com/#sthash.hsvlJhri.dpuf

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be." - Groucho Marx - See more at: http://eliseblaha.typepad.com/#sthash.hsvlJhri.dpuf

Monday

Nearing the end of June? Already?  What has happened to the weeks?

Well, I know how the time has been spent.  A lot of it in groundhog day... waking up to the same.  I continue though, to desperately try to find the balance between the fast paced necessary activities that consume life, and the things that enable us (me) to breathe, to be still, to listen.
So what has happened?  David had a birthday.  Nicholas has played some outstanding football.  He faced one of his biggest fears and gave a speech at school to stand for SRC.  He didn't get a spot on the SRC but I am as proud as I can be, because he chose to do something that makes him anxious.

Audrey is doing a great job at her reading and writing.  She I growing up quickly, but loves Rainbow Magic fairy books, her Tinkerbelle and My Little Ponies.  She loves our "coffee time".  

Maggie is growing.  She is talking and has a number of new words every time I take the time to stop and notice.  She has a lisp. She still sleeps beside me at night.  I need to stop that soon, so that I can sleep...

I have finished Trimester 1 at university.  Now I sit waiting for my grades.  I have moved offices.  So modern!  Sensor lighting, great coffee close by, lovely modern, clean bathrooms (sorry West Block).

Probably the biggest change for me is that I have left my job.  A job that I have enjoyed a lot.  I had spent fifteen years doing something that made going to work an enjoyable thing, for a long time.  But things were changing, nothing that needs detail here, but I had done everything there was to do.  And a change is good, right? Day one my boss asked if I wanted to go to Melbourne.  Yes please.

I think about this space.  The reason behind my keeping it remains the same.  To remember. I anticipate the next trimester, not looking forward to the demands of study.  Two units remain and it will be over, but to be honest, that road looks long from where I am right now.

If I list the small things, the simple things that bring me pleasure, they would be a good flat white.  No sugar, no froth.  A striking journal - I love notebooks.  I have too many that I have not written in.  Aesop products... Seeing the mountains - something that gives me pleasure that I feel and notice immediately.  My family.  My kids, and the grace they show to me everyday when I feel I fail.  

An early night, something that never seems to come.  ;)

Saturday

 

My last assignment for trimester 3 2014 is finished and the submit button hit. I have a couple of weeks before trimester 1, 2015 kicks off and this week is my first week that I am back to part time hours.  I have been looking forward to this, and almost immediately felt my world right itself. Everything feels more manageable. 

I read a quote last night, which hit the nail on the head for me.

that was the day she made herself the promise to live more from intention and less from habit. ~ Amy Rubin Flett

With every part of my life, beginning with my family, my kids, I want to ensure I am living life intentionally, not simply existing.

I have thought over the last couple of weeks about the things that bring me joy.  An outing with my family.  Seeing my kids excited.

A candle (my favourite scent) burning in the house. A good cup of coffee, or a chai latte (not made with syrup).  A magazine.  A book.  

I guess life has been so busy over the last year or two I feel I got a bit lost and was not being the best I can be to either myself or my family.  I'm looking forward to getting back there.

Tuesday

I haven't updated about me for a while.  I wonder if I can post an update without it being about my kids...

I've said before, I like those nosy articles like "what is in your handbag" "what book are you reading" etc etc.  So I particularly enjoyed this interview.  (Even if it is somewhat rehearsed.)



And can I just state the obvious... I would LOVE a townhouse in New York!

On my bedside table at the moment are two books.  Madonnas of Leningrad and My Invented Country.  I am sure they have appeared on this blog (and my bedside table) before.  Hopefully I get them read in one hit, as I also am dipping into books on parenting and health/women's interest.

On my birthday I had a driving lesson for my sewing machine.  It can do so much!  It is quiet, and smooth.  Beautiful.  So far I have only made a bandana for Audrey to wear on Harmony Day. 

 

And look at this~ bliss.  I am in love with this shed.

 
You can see a tour here.  

I think this teething rattle is gorgeous , handmade by a woman from Latvia.

. 

Speaking of teething and other things baby, I have decided to start weening Maggie.  I feel a tiny knot of anxiety in my stomach when I think about it.  Probably because she is my last baby.  Did I feel this way when I thought Audrey was my last baby??

I had started weening Nicholas and Audrey before this as they started childcare when they were Maggie's age.  She hasn't taken to a bottle at all, and (understandably) will not let anyone else settle her.  At the moment she is very "aware".  When other people hold her, she keeps me in sight.  twice in the past week, when someone else has held her, she looks at me and her bottom lip drops in the cutest way, and she cries.  But I have less than three months before I return to work, and I want to be sure she will be fine when I go back to work.  We are also trying to get her used to sleeping in her cot, in her own little nursery.  At 7 months she is very used to co-sleeping.  She has forgotten to suck her thumb, so also gone is the self-settling. 

This song has been playing in my head today.



Nicholas read Dr Seuss, 'Oh, the Places You'll Go' tonight for the Chief Ministers Reading Challenge.  It is a great story for young minds, and the encouragement Nicholas needs at the moment.  Me too as it turns out.  The following resonated with me:

"You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And then the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done."

Nicholas' favourite part was more cheery and positive thankfully:

"Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

[and no, I cannot update my blog without mentioning the kids]

Thursday

Two things making me feel good today.

Listening to this, loudly.



Reflecting on these words.

"What Is Success"

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803 - 1882

Wednesday

Wow... I have not blogged in a while, and while looking through draft posts I found this one (below). I obviously didn't post it (but posted many since then) but it was nice taking that jump to the past. It would have been written in late 2013. Note to self: don't take the small things for granted. They mean the most.

* * * * * * * * 
We have been soaking up the goodness of a new born around here.  :)  I miss David being home each day. 
The glorious weather has also helped!  David has managed to get a few jobs done that have been hanging around for a while.  his dad came yesterday to do some work in our scrubby, rambling garden.  Family, friends and school mums have been bringing food and helping with the school run.  I feel very spoilt.
On Saturday I made the kids lunch - nothing special, just sandwiches, fruit and slice and I laid a picnic rug in the backyard so we could all take our lunch outside.  The things I used to do regularly when they were about three.  Probably for Nicholas more than Audrey.  Life just gets busy.
Other goings on here - the chooks have started laying again!  The week before Maggie arrived a friend showed up at our door with two portable vegetable garden boxes.  So kind and thoughtful!  We look forward to planning and planting.
David also made the kids a new swing set, so we are getting a load of tanbark to put under it.  Already the kids spend half the day on the swings when they are home.
Next week I will no doubt feel the pressure.  I'll be on my own getting kids up and ready without drama (ha!) and walking them to school with Maggie joining us for a ride.  I've actually missed going to the school.  I just wanted to be with my kids every  minute of the day.

One Day

I've been lying low of late.  No real reason.  Work has been busy, demanding, challenging and extremely rewarding over the past couple of weeks.  It has been a long time since I have felt energised by my work.  Amazing how simple working on alleviating the possibility of a country spiraling into chaos can be when compared with trying to get a 4 year old to eat!I've been dealing with some small parenting issues. Just behavioural things, nothing big, but things that need addressing in any case. 
The subject of greater common good has continued to occupy a space in my mind.  I was reminded of an essay Arundhati Roy wrote on the subject.  I was reminded of a time when everything I did seemed to have that goal as a priority.  the saying "the hubris of the young" comes to mind.  (I am still 'young'.)
So between work, children, motherhood, home life and things philosophical, my mind has been swimming with thoughts on SO many things.  Not to mention trying to find time to reflect on what turning 40 means for me. 

However, a couple of things have come up in different places that have got me thinking that they are all pointing to the reflective path I find myself on.  A few weeks ago David commented to me after we had been to a dinner party that I didn't talk very much while there (it was a party with my colleagues in celebration of our founding boss' retirement).  I said that I felt like being "silent".  I don't mean being mute in the company of others, but I have a desire to listen more to the conversations going on around me. 
Both Ali Edwards and Amanda Soule have referenced this, from TEDtalks, on their blogs.  It is simply beautiful.  I think my soul is truly yearning for things that are stripped back to the basic of needs.  I don't mean denying myself of anything I might like, but being grateful for the things that I have, for the things around me that I take for granted (like water from the tap, light from electricty) rather than constantly focusing on my materialistic WANTS.  To think more of this day as One Day.

Saturday

I sit and drink my coffee, doing what I have struggled to do for a while now. Quietly read. Uninterrupted, except for when my pear and raspberry bread arrives. I am struck by three things I have read in the past week. A friend emailed me some observations he had while recently visiting Myanmar. He has travelled there many times in the past 20 years. Something he said struck a chord with me.

While I could hardly blame Myanmar people for wanting a better life, I fear they will ... turn into yet another materialistic society. People who had very little and were ready to share are now having a little more, which they have no intention to let go!

This morning David showed me a news article from yesterday's paper. An Afghan family living in a displaced persons camp have just buried their three month old son. He had frozen to death. The father described how his son was breasted, how they family lay together under only a couple of blankets to keep warm. His son cried and cried through the night because of the cold. By morning he had died. I cannot fathom a situation where I am trying to keep my family alive with only a blanket and limited food supply.

I think of my own comfort. Yes we have to stick to a budget. We bemoan the cost of housing but we still manage luxuries we could probably live without.

The book I am currently reading is about a man who found himself lost in the mountains while attempting to climb K2, He stumbled across an impoverished village in Pakistan and was cared for by those who lived there. He was immediately welcomed and provided with tea, shelter and blankets. He Maraini who in 1958 when he visited Askole village in Pakistan, "...all this gives rise to a question.  Isn't it better to live in ignorance of everything - asphalt and macadam, vehicles, telephones, television - to live in bliss without knowing it?" (pg 30) 

(I understood this sentiment. When visiting Mizoram some years ago I felt the peace of having no baggage. Nowhere to be urgently, not structured by time and others expectations.  It is easy to be enamoured with the lifestyle when you know you will return to your 'creature cumforts' back home in a short while...)

So touched by their generosity he desired to return their kindness. He has done so by building schools in remote villages and training teachers.

I guess my point is, why do I place so much emphasis on gathering material possessions?Why, when I have much, do I hold tighter to what is "mine". The more we have, the tighter the grip. The less we have, the more we share.  It is something that bothers me often, I stop and wonder at it all, and then am drawn back into the imbalance of wants and needs in life. 

compassion, respect and manners

Be warned.  I am hopping onto my soap box.

I have seen two interviews in the past couple of weeks with people who were able to put in more eloquent language the very things which have stirred me most in recent months.  They are things that can quite easily get my blood to boiling.

One of them is how people have such little respect for other people these days.  Boy, do I sound old?  Alexander McCall Smith was recently in Australia to speak at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas.  His idea was, manners.  Jennifer Byrne interviewed him (can be watched here) and this is part of what he had to say - I would have given a standng ovation if I was present!

"...I have for a long time made that particular point in the books, particularly I suppose in the Isabel Dalhousie books where I talk about the nature of community and obligation. Isabel is a philosopher and she goes into these issues - obligation to one's fellow citizens. I have witnessed, I think, as probably most of us have, a curious development in society of, I suppose, the sort of casual rudeness and lack of concern for the feelings of others - a certain selfishness and greed, etc. You can come up with various descriptions of it - which worried me. Also, I was worried by the increasing fascination with violence. .. Then came the London riots, which really, really brought this home dramatically, in that there had been political discussion in the UK prior to that. People were talking about the broken society. They tended to be mocked by others when they talked about the broken society. Others said, 'Well, here you go again and moaning about how things were going to the dogs.' Then, of course, this extraordinary manifestation of extreme social dysfunction became apparent - manifested itself. I think the point about my talk at the Opera House really was how we need ask ourselves certain questions about that and say, 'What has gone wrong? Why have we got people who seem to be willing to behave in this way, many thousands of them?'

... [Manners] can be a shibboleth for entry into particular classes of society or a group. I agree with you on that in that respect, but many other manners are really directed towards the feelings of others and showing basic respect for other people, so something as simple as asking the other person to go through the door before you go through is quite nice, or helping somebody to get their bag down from the overhead storage bin in an aeroplane, or as simple as not looking irritated while they do that. Have you noticed that... ..how people can look so cross and irritated with other people when they're doing simple things? So manners are actually a really very important form of social lubricant. We're almost in the area of the zero-tolerance argument here. Remember, with zero-tolerance in relation to crime they said we'll stop people committing small street crimes and then you'll stop the major stuff. That does appear to have worked. There's a lot of evidence of the success of that. in those American cities where they've actually applied it. There's hard evidence that you actually reduce the risk to people in walking about the streets in safety if you adopt that particular approach. Manners are the small things - the small building blocks for a general attitude of respect and consideration for other people. So if you don't teach children these rather formal automatic manners, then I think it may be more difficult for them to grasp the bigger issues later on - the bigger issues about respect for others. And I remember as we all do when bringing up children, right at the beginning you sound like a long-playing record going on. 'What do you say? What's the magic word? Where's the thank you?' That sort of thing. We have to do that. And it's a form of fundamental socialisation. The problem seems to me that a lot of that has been somewhat pushed to the side because of pressure on parents, perhaps. They've got less time. Everybody's having to work harder, and therefore they have less time. The fact that people aren't having meals with their children - that's a rather disappointing development that if you look at the figures for the number of families that ever eat together, in a formal way, it's rather sad. Now, that again is a... Eating with the other person is a very fundamental form of social communication. It's a recognition of the humanity of the other. It's a fundamental social ritual which we're allowing to be eroded by the pressures of modern life. Is that making us lonelier as people? I suspect it is. I suspect we're becoming far more isolated and we sit there with our computers and iPhones, our electronic gizmos and we're losing the ability to talk to people. Look at what's happening to conversation. How many good conversations do you get on an aeroplane these days?

...I remember talking to people on aeroplanes. You don't want to talk the whole way. but you certainly want to say a few things, after all, you're sitting next to another human being for eight hours or nine hours or whatever it is. If it's a long flight, you sit next to another human being and you aren't acknowledging the humanity of that other person. You know nothing about them. Now, I think that is impoverishing us. I think that's really sad."

I am tired of materialism, keeping up with the Joneses, the attitude of  walking over people to get what you want first...

Then last week on Compass Geraldine Dogue spoke to another author, Christos Tsiolkas and in a closing comment when asked what he thought an ideal Australia would look like, he said:

"It would certainly be an Australia that would be much more thankful. I'm going to speak really plainly: You know what I would say, I would say, "Stop bloody whinging. Stop complaining. Stop wanting more. Stop thinking it's all about the ... plasma screen and stop thinking that a few thousand boat people is going to do anything to change what you have." I will say that's what I would want for Australia.

I think we have become, as I said really at the beginning, we have lost kindness. You know, that's [my] ultimate verdict..."

To me, these two people hit the nail on the head regarding all that infuriates me about our society.  I just had to get it down here.  For the record.

thoughts

At the end of the day, the end of the week I'm waiting for David and Audrey to come home.  Dinner is prepared and so I have some time to stop and ponder the week(s) that has/have been.  Bananas In Pyjamas is on in the background. I love that at six years old Nicholas still enjoys it. 

Yesterday I packed afternoon tea up in the pram and Audrey and I picked Nicholas up from school.  The weather was so gorgeous we ate afternoon tea at the park and the kids played.  We didn't rush to get home.  It was perfect.  I took tea in a thermos and watched them play while I wrote a list to prepare for our Spring/Summer vegetable garden.  I fear we are running out of time as we still need to physically move the garden to a new location.  I was going to take my camera, but at the last minute thought I'd just let them be and enjoy the moment.  I wished I had it in the end. 

Looking at some of the blogs in my favourites list I saw this.  Kylee brought these biscuits to Home Friendship Group.  They were so yummy - if I had any left I'd make French s'mores!

I haven't written lately but have been immersing myself in study - listening to Nancy Leigh de Moss.  I must be hungry because I feel my spirit filling on her studies.  I am reading One Thousand Gifts and Fenelon.  I am eagerly awaiting books that I can't wait to read, to learn from and to apply to my life and to our home and family structure.

In reading Fenelon the other day, this struck me:

"Learn to be lenient with the less important matters, but maintain your firmness over that which is essential.  Remember that true firmness is gentle, humble and calm."  This is certainly what my approach to parenting has been of late.  I am trying to be measured and calm!

I have a list of things I want to make and need to do (like frame and hang all the prints lying under our bed collecting dust!)  (inspiration from Molly Irwin)

Lately I have even managed some hand quilting. 
















I am keen to finish this one as my lists are growing of things to make!  Nothing like eagerness to start the next project to inspire me to complete the last one.  :)

Life is busy but I am getting better at taking time out for the small things....

We Will Remember Them

finding joy

Nicholas had his x-ray today and his femur is moving back into place, so he won't need surgery ~ a relief for me. his dinosaur books are keeping him occupied today.while we were home waiting, Audrey collected some eggs. she also picked a "flower". even though she still had bed hair, i thought she looked cute.

we watered our small vegetable garden. i planted the cabbage, spinach, beetroot and broccoli on the last weekend before it is apparently "too late". my fingers are crossed.

yesterday i made a cross between SouleMama's gratitude journal, and the drawing wallet that i made for the kids. now i will have something to keep cards, notes and stamps in. so i won't have an excuse whenever i think "i should send a card!"

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last week i happened upon an entry in a blog, which was just lovely. it was about gardening. it was about a simpler approach to life. all that appeals to me. i was enjoying reading random entries, looking at pictures when i came to the last entry, from the author’s husband:

It is with the deepest sadness that I must tell you that my beautiful and beloved wife Elspeth died on Thursday 25th March aged 48.
She brought her family and friends so much happiness during her short life and she loved to share some of the things that brought her happiness through her writing. She was loving, warm, wonderful and generous and she will be missed by many.

i wondered what had happened to her, and clicked on the link to her obituary. it told of an enchanted life - writing, travel, gardens and love. then i read the last sentence:

She always counted herself lucky to have been able to make a career from writing about what she loved. In recent weeks, however, she had been suffering from an extreme depression; she took her own life last Thursday.
She is survived by her husband and their young daughter, Mary.

i was shocked. i went back and read the last entry she wrote, and her last column. this has lingered in my mind over the past few days. i wonder how someone can feel so low, so discouraged, so despondent and hopeless that they could take their own life? when i saw that she left a husband and a 5 year old daughter i found it even more difficult to comprehend. such a tragedy. reading her past articles in the London Times, even after only a few days of coming across her writings, i find it hard to believe that someone was here one moment and now although i read their words, they are gone.
last night our bible study was on joy. it saddens me that there are people who know no joy. i am grateful that i have a hope, and that even in times when i have been low, i have my faith and a husband and children who inspire me and whom I love dearly.

that's what i get for staying up late

supposedly i was going to catch up on sleep while David is away. but here i am. again. i seem to get my second wind at 11pm. over the past two nights i have practically finished the stitching on my patchwork blanket. and all but finished season seven of Gilmore Girls! the first line of the Carole King opening song sends me into a whirlwind of sentiment. i watched a couple of seasons at the end of our first year in this house, when i began my maternity leave before Audrey was born. after hearing the song numerous times, Nicholas would come running from wherever he was in the house and say "what Lorelei doing ?" and tonight when he heard the music he brought me a "note" which he read to me. it said "i like this show." i know it was his ploy at staying up a while longer, but i tucked him back into bed.
i can't believe he was 2 1/2 when Audrey was born. she is 2 and 2 months now. Nicholas seemed older... and yet now, i miss him being little.
this afternoon i was able to steal away some time to myself. a few magazines to catch up on - Country Living and some craft magazines. that was refreshing, although it didn't last long. Nicholas and Audrye found my quiet place... :)
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tonight i received an email from an old friend. we did some Amnesty International work together. she is pretty, very smart, a lawyer, speaks fluent Russian... she now lives in Queensland with her husband and 4 children (aged 1-8). she homeschooled her kids, part time for a while. she invests so much in them.
the way i had planned to be... but lately i seem to get frustrated and yell a lot. well, more than i would ever have cared for.
the past couple of days have been great - it is tiring- doing it all on my own, but because i made time with my kids my prority each day, it has been lovely. when i thought about the activites we were going to do i promised myself i wouldn't stress about mess or about not getting other things done.
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Nicholas has been a bit challenging lately - being disobedient, and answering back, yelling etc (makes me cringe at the thought of my yelling at him!) and Audrey is as independent and strong willed as ever. she refuses to eat - as much as i try not to worry and stress, it makes me angry. i spend tim making indiiual tuna ccassarole pots with breadcrumbs, cheese and buter toasted on top. she won't eat it. all the time you spend cooking and preparing food to ahve it pushed away gets frustrating after a few months! what this girl lives on, i don't know.
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a couple of friends who are first time mums have dropped a couple of comments in conversation about what their babies will and will not do (not see any television for their first two years, as studies show they will be more intelligent) i am relieved Nicholas and Audrey's dvds are hidden away in a cupboard. surely Bananas in Pyjamas singing nursery rhymes can't hurt too much?? other things that remind me of all of my good intentions at the births of my children. but maybe compromises have to be made, just to get through the day. i wonder whether i am being pushed gently, to do something new.... it seems every 3 months i go through these moments of frustration and doubt. is it just the cycle of life, or a new path to take on the other side of the door?
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one thing is for sure, being up this late and searching the podcasts in iTunes brings up some great free audio books. lots of Jane Austen. i wonder if i could get away with joining the Jane Austen society, without having read any of her writings and only having seen the tv adaptations or listened to the audio readings...
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now i look at the time and there is just one questioon before bed. do i put on my evening eye cream or my morning eye cream?!

drum roll please...

today, i turned 38!
all year as the day was approaching i thought i would dread it. but i actually feel good about it! and i feel a little grown up. ;)
it all began yesterday when i had coffee and cake at Lanyon Homestead with some of my favourite people. my husband, my children, my mum, my dad and my sister and nephew. a little chaotic with children that just wanted to run - everywhere, but the sun was shining and the scenery was glorious. (how that woman gracefully sitting at the table next to us with children who were aged around 5 and 3 had them sitting so quietly, i fear i will never know!)

i started the day with a long breakfast prepared by David, of bircher muslei, a cup of tea and some french toast. Nicholas was excited to help prepare it for me and Audrey enjoyed helping me open my presents. breakfast with my family to begin the day and dinner with my family to end the day. the perfect birthday for me. i had a lovely day at work, with messages popping up from dear friends at regular intervals and lunch with my mum - i mean she was there with me 38 years ago, right? so she should be there with me today :) then i came home to veal Marsala for dinner. i feel loved and spoilt. nicer that the tumultuous anxiousness that has plagued me the past couple of weeks. but no mention of that today. today is just about family and about love. i am grateful.
oh, and not one, not two, but THREE Addicted to Fabric vouchers! i am going to have my quilt finished in no time. well, at least i will have all i require to finish it.

and a movie and music. very bad photographs, but still, a fuzzy way to remember this day. thankyou David, who worked hard to make today special for me...