New Years Resolutions weren't a priority for me this year.  But I read this yesterday and it is certainly the year I would like to have.   “That was the day she made herself the promise to live more from intention and less from habit.” – Amy Rubin Flett

2016 was crazy-hectic.   And I was caught up in it.  Just trying to get through, but in reality I was like a mouse on a wheel, round and round but not going anywhere.  

David's work is demanding.  This year I would like to be more supportive.  Nicholas is going into year 6, and preparing for high school.  This year I want to walk every step with him.  Audrey is in year 3 and also needs to step up to new learning expectations.  Maggie has started the year in the junior preschool room of her child care.  

Me?  Who knows.  I am in a job that does not satisfy me in anyway - other than I show up and get paid, so I can pay the bills.  So I have regrets, leaving a job but on the other hand, this will also enable me (I hope) to be the support and the parent I need to be.  I know there are parts of these jobs that will be a challenge, but I want to make a difference in my family, and be the best that I can be for those I love.

 To be that, I also know that I need to give myself a little self care.  What will this be?  Reading, pleasure in the simple things and ensuring I am mindful of all around me, including the choices I make.

This year I read more than I have in a long time.

My list is:

Still Alice by Lisa Genova

The Light Between Oceans by M L Stedman

The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by J K Rowling

The Lady In Gold by Anne-Marie O'Connor

The Wife Drought by Annabel Crabb
La Rose by Louise Erdrich
Elephant Moon by John Sweeney
The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferante

Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson (audio)
The Good People by Hannah Kent

I did say Amen to Annabel Crabb: "so long 2016.  Don't trip over on your way out".  While I say I am not focused on New Years Resolutions, so many events during 2016 have made me want to think more about simple things, choosing less in order to really have more.  And for this reason I think of this Ted Talk on Gratitude.  My we all learn to be MORE GRATEFUL.

Saturday

 

A couple of weeks ago I received my final mark for the unit I was studying this past Trimester.  A Distinction!  Nobody more surprised (or happier/relieved) than me!  However I am now two weeks into trimester one for for 2015...  I remind myself, only three units to go...

Meanwhile, life is marching on in all its forms. Work.  I am back to three days per week.  Normally this, for me, is the ideal.  The balance is right. I am continuing to question whether I continue to be in the field I am.  Should I take opportunities to make changes to my work??  Changes that I know will benefit my family.

Family.  David is well into his new position, teaching.  I knew it would be demanding of his time, and he is also studying two nights per week.  

I am learning to s l o w   d o w n. To stop juggling.  Not to multi task, but to be present in this moment.  The now and what I am currently doing, not the many things that are waiting to be done. 

On Being.  My very favourite podcast. I am like a sponge soaking water.  I love it - drinking in the conversations.  One that I listened to was with Yo Yo Ma. Somewhere in his conversation he mentioned Stravinsky, which reminded me of a book my parents bought me when I was first at university.  By Joseph Brodsky. He wrote an essay on Stravinsky.  I think.  That is what came to mind.
Another I listened to this afternoon, with poet Marie Howe.  Later in the podcast she mentioned her lecturer at Columbia University - Joseph Brodsky.

What I find in listening to these conversations is that I am being brought back to the beginning.  The things that I feel I resonate with.  It does feel like home.  I remember back to 1990 when I started at university.  All my friends had left college and moved on to other things.  We had gradually drifted apart... I was on my own and life filled with so many things I came to love.  In another season of life we can forget these first things.  It is refreshing to remember them and bring them into my new life, with family.

Wednesday

Last day of school for 2014! As always, I am glad the school year is over.  :)
When I feel I can relax though, in the back of my mind I am conscious that I have an essay due on 5 January.  For the last couple of years I find I can barely make it to Christmas, so to be in the middle of a university trimester is daunting.  the kids get excited about Christmas and I try to make it a special time, but so many things crowd our space these days that I fear I fail miserably. My blog this year has mainly become a recording of photographs now and then.  Hoping that a picture truly says a thousand words. That I love my kids and wish the world for them.  Even when I cannot provide it.
Truth be told, I haven't written much as this year has been crap for me on so many levels.  It is one New years Eve that I will be truly celebrating.  At the same time 2015 scares me as I have made some decisions and changes that will hopefully be the best for my family, even if I know there will be days when I wonder what the hell I was thinking.

So, pictures for a thousand words today, pictures from the past few weeks:

Other things:
Julette Binoche is one of my favourite actresses and I really want to see her latest film, A Thousand Times Goodnight.  (Babysitters be warned)



Turns out one of my favourite singers has a song on the soundtrack.



And my teenage poster boy, Larry Mullen jnr is in the movie (that feels a bit weird to me) so with three of my favourites I have great expectations.

Life is....

 

"That's what I want to get across.  It's not material success that determines happiness - it's the small events of daily life to be found in precious things like Mme Ramotswe's old and ragged lace handkerchief, and the smell of rain.  That's where we find meaning in life."

Alexander McCall Smith

Wednesday

Mentors.  We look back and see people that have crossed our paths and truly made a difference.  By chance the other day I found out that a friend from long ago had passed away.  Elise was already in her 70's when I met her during my first year at university. 
I joined Amnesty International, and with an interest in the former Soviet Union I joined the newly formed Russia Co-group.  Our focus was the abolition of the death penalty in Russia.  We were an effective group, the contact for letter writers around Australia and translating letters received from parliamentarians and prisoners alike from Russia.  I travelled to Amsterdam to represent Australia and share our materials and work.
Elise, and her husband John, were great friends with an active interest in politics, art and music.  They had a beautiful home with a large library.  I house sat for them often in my 20's. I will forever be grateful that I knew her and that she demonstrated the importance of caring, and wanting to make a difference, no matter how small and showed me the joys of remaining mentally active in older years!

Sometimes it takes the passing of someone for us to look back at moments in the our life and see how we have grown. 

* * * * * * *

Lately I have managed to steal a few moments to sew (I love my new machine).  Simple things, but sewing nevertheless.  Of course this means that my beautiful machine is a semi-permanent fixture on our dining room table for when the quiet moments present themselves.  It shares the space with a number of textbooks and piles of assorted papers, pens and pencils, as the dining table also doubles as David's desk during the university semester.

I am waiting on an adorable Japanese sewing book that I saw last week to arrive.  My heart literally began to beat faster when I saw the clothes inside.  They are exactly what I would love to dress my girls in.  Children's clothing stores, like ladies fashion, only sell what we are told is fashionable for that season, not lovely timeless pieces.  So I intend to put my sewing (and my Japanese) to the test and work my way though the book when it arrives.  Lucky for me I have found a blogger who assists with pattern translations and common terms.  And there is Audrey's Japanese teacher or my colleagues' Japanese wife to fall back on if I am really stuck.  :)

Maggie is asleep and I have been madly rushing around and taking the next little while to unpack and repack the dishwasher, make the beds and put clothes away.  But pausing for a moment at the computer it is perfect rainy weather to sit, looking out the window behind the computer and put a few thoughts down... music quietly in the background.  Then to make a cup of coffee and tackle the ironing...



David and I have been talking lately about the benefits (for all of us) in having less screen time.  Television, computers, iPads, iPhones.  It is something we want to try for term time - when school is on, we limit, at least Monday-Friday, our time on screens.

After our discussion I read this article.  I like the sound of "unplugged" but now with winter around the corner, calling for hot chocolates and heat packs, I really want a microwave!  Ours finally died about a month ago and now that Maggie has started solids remembering to defrost her pureed food at times is frustrating.  ;)

ps: I am SO glad it is the last day of term tomorrow.  Truth be told, if it wasn't for their schooling-conscious dad, my kids would have already been on holidays.

Monday

2014 hasn't had the 'calm' beginning that I have desired for this year.

The end of a long day, and with a heavy heart and many questions, it is over.

It was lovely to see a number of people from years ago.  People who play a part in your life, if only for a season, and then reappear during the hard moments.  Yes, life goes on and people get busy, but to come together again at significant events, even a funeral, is special.

What few of us knew - Brett liked to write poetry.  Damon read one of his poems that had been published in 2002.

Perfection
Brett Townsend (Ballina NSW)

Is there such a thing, as the perfect person,
If so, what and who would it be.
Would it be male, tall, dark, handsome and rich,
Or female, blond, blue eyed, busty and never a bitch.
Would they be smart, generous, caring and kind,
Willing to help, just to ease your mind.

No matter what combination you care to test,
I guarantee there's bad to offset their best.
Perfection begins within one's self,
Look on the inside, ignore what's on the shelf.

If you can become one with your soul,
Your life will begin its adventurous roll.
And as the world tosses us around, I becomes easier to see,
That perfection truly exists, in you and in me.

Buddha

I can't help but picture Brett sitting with pen and paper and writing.  To know that he enjoyed writing.

To also think about how life can change so quickly.  One stupid act, and it is gone.

To see aunty Gail, arms on the coffin cry "my baby boy, I love you so much".  Yes, tonight I was grateful to kiss and hold my babies and tell them I love them.  Even though parenting is hard at times and I get tired I am so thankful they are safe and well and here with me. 

Thursday

Earlier today, a little time to enjoy a cup of tea and a piece of vanilla slice Dave left me.  I needed to make lists of the things I hope to make, and do, before Christmas.  The countdown begins.

This week and the next few days are our busiest.  All with lovely things; school concerts, weddings, end of year dinners... but boy I am tired! 

Monday

First up, this is not a "pity me" post.  It is just an honest look at where things are at for me right now and I want to record it.

I watched this TED talk last week.  I needed to hear it.  Then Josh posted the same thing on Facebook.



I saw a link to this, and did not trust myself to open it for a couple of days.  I don't need to feed my mother guilt!  But it is so true.  We mums can be so hard on ourselves. It doesn't take much for me to cry these days.  Being a mother is the most amazing, emotional roller coaster ride in life.  And I wouldn't want to miss it for anything.

I mentioned in my last post the tears that fell as I watched Maggie looking up at me while doctors kept searching for a place in her tiny veins to place a needle. 

On Saturday a hospital volunteer came and asked me if I'd like her to sit with Maggie while I went for a walk or had a coffee.  I had just ventured away from her bedside for the first time, rushing down the lift to buy a magazine, then straight back up to the fourth floor.  I didn't want to be too far away from her. I made myself sit in the cafeteria and have a real coffee while I look at the Country Style Christmas magazine.  Of course no sooner did I order my coffee than I was anxious to drink it quickly and get back upstairs.  I gave myself about 15 minutes down there though.  As I sat and looked at people around me, I felt the tears coming to my eyes again.  I. Just. Felt. Extremely. Tired.  (What mum doesn't?) I didn't want to cry in public.

I am grateful we are home and that Maggie is well.  I am grateful for the care we were both given while in hospital.  (If ever that ER nurse, Greg, reads this, thank you for telling those doctors what to do).

Lately I have thought of my grandmother.  I imagine what it would be like if I went back in time and saw her with her five children, I think I know exactly what I would see.  A woman who loved them dearly and cared for them the best that she could.  In the season of motherhood, something I was only just embarking on when my grandmother passed away, I wish I could talk to her about her experience navigating this path... :)

Tomorrow, Audrey is speaking at assembly.  I am proud of this girl I love her just the way she is. :)

Monday

So many times through the day (and night) I think of the things I'd like to record here.  I post to remember.  Whether it is a song I like at a certain time, a photograph, a quote, a holiday, something one of my kids did, or "just because".

But I don't get to the computer enough as I am trying to get 'just one more thing" done before Maggie's next feed, or before getting lunch, dinner, kids bath, doing kids homework, bedtime stories, washing clothes or washing dishes... this season of life.  But I am loving it.

Hence the photo overload here - some of all we've been doing the last little while.  In no order and with no relevance to the text. Haircuts, hairstyles, dressing up, fairies, collecting, swapping, Cubs and bonding.  :)

I went to bed at 1:40am this morning.  I wanted to make biscuits for the week for school, to clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor.  I went to bed and so wanted to read a book.  The thing I never do these days (understandably).  I am currently making my way through Steve Biddulph's 'Raising Boys' and am looking forward to also reading 'Raising Girls' as soon as I've caught up to the appropriate stage for Nicholas.  I like his writing so far as it is practical and relevant.  Over the weekend I picked up Nancy Granquist's book, 'Heart Matters' as it is more like a collection of short vignettes that I can read each day and so provide something spiritual to think on through the day.  I have a couple of a the Sunday Philosophy Club series still to read and it makes me feel complete having one at hand.  Maggie's nappy bag is starting to look more like Mary Poppins bag as it is also my handbag, including wallet, diary, keys, handcream, lip balm, tissues, gum, sunscreen, hand sanitiser, pen and notebook! Not to mention the essential items the bag is designed for... All my work bags are the size of the nappy bag so the thought of juggling two big bags is not very appealing!

 

Maggie continues to be a delight.  She is so easy which translates (generally) as sleeping well.  I love that when she wakes for a feed at around 3am her faces breaks into a smile when our eyes meet.   am ignoring the familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of returning to work in June next year.  I do not let the thought linger and I remind myself to enjoy the present.

Christmas is just around the corner and I am nowhere near prepared.  when in Bredbo a little while ago I bought each of the kids a new ornament for the tree and I have bought Audrey this gorgeous book in preparation for starting kindergarten next year.  That is it! 






































What to get kids who already have so much "stuff" filling their rooms??  I am seriously attempting to de-clutter the house.  I took 7 bags of things to the church op shop but it looks as though I have barely touched the surface.  I'd be keen to know any ideas for kids Christmas presents people reading this may have.






































On my wish list is a iPad mini.  Dave would like an Apple tv.  I joked about having an Apple Christmas and getting Nicholas an iPod touch!

Sunday (just)

I have posted this before.  But it is worth being reminded.

Wednesday

So today I will write down some thoughts, for myself, on health and well-being.  I know that I put myself out on a limb here because I will be held accountable for what I say.  In short, I am going to eat smaller portions, drink much more water, walk more and be consistent with my Pilate's. ;)

This year, being one of a significant number, means that I have spent some time reflecting on where I am in life and how I feel.  This is because being of a certain age (:p), a working mother and wife, in the first years of paying a mortgage, I have often found myself feeling sluggish and tired.

A couple of months ago we stayed with David's cousin and as his wife is a naturopath I endeavoured to ask her for some advice.  After chatting a bit while driving the the Little Desert, while the guys were in the other car, we decided to make some time when back home to do a bit of a stock take. 

She said that whenever she is feeling that way she has a look at three compartments of her life: physical, emotional and spiritual.  She looks at the areas in these parts of her life where she is doing well and also where she could be doing better.  This reminded me of a blog post I saw years ago. 

When I came home from this holiday I used a small Kikki K folder in which to put these pages.  I have added three more sections to my journal ~ family and home, create (sewing and scrapbooking projects)and read (to keep track of one of my favourite passtimes). 

While these are thoughts that have passed through my mind many times it is only since taking this self imposed hiatus from my job that I have taken time to think about the things in each of these areas of my life that I want to change.  I am not going to write of them regularly in this space - it is much easier to have my notebook handy to pick up and scribble in when I'm inspired by a recipe, an inspirational quote or something that I would like to apply to my life intentionally.

right now

Loving this version of one of my very favourite songs... I don't often like to deviate from the original version.   She also has a cover of another one of my all time favourites.  Fire and Rain.  I'm sure James Taylor won't mind it either.

* appreciating a time of reflection. 
* feasting on ministry.
* challenged by this story.
* grateful for a clean tidy house.
* preparing for a week away.
* happy with progress on my unfinished projects....

I stood at the front counter, waiting to settle my account.  We had worked since breakfast, drafting/writing our final report.  It was now dinner time and I decided that, with a 3am start the next morning, it was best to pay before settling in for the night.

I turned and saw a familiar face.  A women from the office, standing with a young girl.  Matilda had come to the hotel to say goodbye.  I hadn't spoken with her much as the team was pulled from one meeting to another, almost becoming a political football ourselves.

She explained she had told her husband she wanted to say goodbye to me.  She bought me a packet of Simbu coffee.  He had told her to write me a note and he would drive her to the hotel so she could leave it for me.  I was grateful that I happened to be at the front desk at just that time.

She handed me the bag of coffee and introduced me to her five year old daughter.  She asked if I would come to the car to meet her husband.  I would be delighted.  As we walked toward the car a man stepped out.  Polite and humble.  I thanked them both.  We said our goodbyes and I stood at the front and waved as they drove out of the hotel.  Again the tug at my heart.  Someone with much less than I have and yet she wanted to share something. 

I am grateful again, that at a time when I mostly feel as though I am simply trying to keep my head above water, God shows me that when all is stripped away all we have is ourselves to give.  And the smallest gesture of kindness can be enough.

* photograph from another trip to PNG.  In 2001.